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Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The Cat Lady Observation
On Saturday, at approximately 12:15pm, my fellow explorer, Pamela Clark, and I departed for the wild unknowns of Puyallup. There had been a report that a flock of Cat Ladies were descending upon the Puyallup Fair Grounds. As this was a rare opportunity for sighting this often sequestered segment of the population, we were determined not to miss this opportunity.
At the entrance of the enclosure where the Cat Ladies were thought to be flocking, we were arrested by the sight of an even rarer specimen…the volunteering boy. He was clearly the gatekeeper of the enclosure for he looked directly at us with expectation on his face. We had come prepared for this encounter and were well stocked with the proper greens to sate this voracious specimen, but for good measure, we also included some of our provisions to sweeten the deal, namely: a can of chicken broth and a can of string beans. The volunteering boy went on about his business when the deal was struck, after giving us a map and manual for the wilds beyond that we were to face in our quest for the Cat Ladies.
We did not have to look far before we came upon our first sighting of a flock of Cat Ladies. I must say, the first ones we encountered were fine examples of the population. The mission of these particular cat ladies was to find unattached felines in the wild and bring them back to the collective for use in converting the unwary to their way of life. We skillfully dodged their overtures. Pam used the feline allergy tactic and I used the two feline max rule for apartments. Everyone knows that to become a Cat Lady, one must possess a number of felines which, in total volume, requires more food than the average human male. Ergo, apartment dwellers that are compliant with rules are safe.
The second flock we came upon we could only assume were Cat Ladies because though they had no felines present, their knowledge of felines in general was extremely vast. Other confirmed Cat Ladies brought forth their felines to be inspected by this flock. In fact, all who were present treated this flock like revered village elders. They spoke in whispers around them and took all compliments or insults from them with either great joy or great disappointment. They never challenged the opinions of this flock of elders either. We can only conclude from this evidence that they were not only Cat Ladies, but what we must now refer to as Super Cat Ladies. It is assumed that Super Cat Ladies are in possession of extremely large numbers of felines at their respective domiciles.
We spent most of our time observing and photographing the Cat Ladies who had evidence with them of their membership to the population. Next to each Cat Lady, was a folding table on which was placed a large cage. The cages held large numbers of felines in all stages of growth. The cages were highly decorated as is the practice of the Cat Lady culture. Most decorations reflected a traditional upcoming holiday which most of the present population were known to celebrate. Routinely at periodic intervals, a super cat lady would step up to a device which would increase the volume of her voice and issue orders. Several of the Cat Ladies would uncage only one of their felines and bring it to the Super Cat Ladies and a cycle of inspection followed by compliments to a select few of the Cat Ladies with which a decorative ribbon would be given. If the Cat Lady had already received a decorative ribbon, she would instead be given a small metallic gold piece of paper which was sticky on one side and had writing on the other. This would be fixed upon the decorative ribbon under the original paper given with the ribbon.
Surrounding the main flock of Cat Ladies, were the expected predators, who would lure a Cat Lady into their lair by displaying what we could only term as bait. After the Cat Lady had provided the predators with the proper greens, they would be allowed back out into the flock. The Cat Lady got to keep the bait and therefore did not seem upset at all at the behavior of the predators. This symbiotic relationship seemed to please all involved. We came up with a theory that the predators where in fact mislabeled by previous explorers and we opine that the proper term for them would in fact be “enablers” (paper and proper documentation to follow).
At 3:15 pm, we concluded our observations as we had gathered sufficient data. We departed the enclosure with mutual satisfaction of a mission well executed. We successfully navigated out of the wilds of Puyallup, which required no small amount of skill and equipment. I attribute the success of our departure to the skill and foresight of my companion. We thoroughly debriefed the mission in transit. We then adjourned to a local establishment in civilized territory to seek some sustenance.
At the entrance of the enclosure where the Cat Ladies were thought to be flocking, we were arrested by the sight of an even rarer specimen…the volunteering boy. He was clearly the gatekeeper of the enclosure for he looked directly at us with expectation on his face. We had come prepared for this encounter and were well stocked with the proper greens to sate this voracious specimen, but for good measure, we also included some of our provisions to sweeten the deal, namely: a can of chicken broth and a can of string beans. The volunteering boy went on about his business when the deal was struck, after giving us a map and manual for the wilds beyond that we were to face in our quest for the Cat Ladies.
We did not have to look far before we came upon our first sighting of a flock of Cat Ladies. I must say, the first ones we encountered were fine examples of the population. The mission of these particular cat ladies was to find unattached felines in the wild and bring them back to the collective for use in converting the unwary to their way of life. We skillfully dodged their overtures. Pam used the feline allergy tactic and I used the two feline max rule for apartments. Everyone knows that to become a Cat Lady, one must possess a number of felines which, in total volume, requires more food than the average human male. Ergo, apartment dwellers that are compliant with rules are safe.
At 3:15 pm, we concluded our observations as we had gathered sufficient data. We departed the enclosure with mutual satisfaction of a mission well executed. We successfully navigated out of the wilds of Puyallup, which required no small amount of skill and equipment. I attribute the success of our departure to the skill and foresight of my companion. We thoroughly debriefed the mission in transit. We then adjourned to a local establishment in civilized territory to seek some sustenance.
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